Moment of Weakness

I feel like I am slowly falling apart. And I'm not sure what the cause is. Today is my 9-month anniversary of being gluten free. I am almost more confused by celiac disease than I was 9-months ago, or even 5 years ago when I was diagnosed!

I feel like this is a constant struggle. Sure, give up gluten and get better. But trying to figure out what has gotten you sick is rough. Is my stomach ache gluten related or is it a bigger problem? What is caused by something accidentally getting in my diet, and what is something that I should be asking doctors about??? It's so hard sometimes!

I find myself consumed with these thoughts. All I think about is food. What I've eaten, and what I am going to eat. I get sick and all I think about is the everything that has come in contact with my mouth in the past 3 days. What was it?? I don't know, I just know I feel like shit! I would say that 30% I figure out what glutened me. But the rest is just a mystery. I feel like I am walking up the wrong side of an escalator. Am I really making any progress?

I've had a terrible upset stomach and on and off stomach cramps for like 2 weeks now. So, I am obsessing. But how can I narrow it down? Sometimes symptoms from a glutening last for a day. Sometimes 3 days. Sometimes longer. How do I know that I didn't eat something 2 weeks ago and the symptoms just haven't gone away yet? How can I possibly narrow it down and remove it from my diet? And don't even get me started on cross contamination. Did something in the food get me, or did something that touched my food get me?? UGH!

It just seems impossible.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not giving up. Not now, not ever. I'm am on the gluten-free train for life. I'm just really struggling right now because I am having new health problems pop up and don't quite know what to make of them yet.

I am having contant migraine headaches. I have fatigue that makes it hard to get motivated to do anything. I have weakness in my hands so bad that I have trouble opening a ketchup lid, or a jar that's already been opened. I can't focus or concentrate on anything. It's been like this for at least 2-3 months. Finally I made a doctor's appointment and got the brush off. Oh yeah, sure, we'll run some blood tests...but it's probably just rebound headaches from taking too much exedrine. I tried everything before making that stupid doctor's appointment, because I hate going in so much. I gave up caffeine (to make sure it wasn't triggering headaches), I started drinking water (to make sure it wasn't caused by dehydration), and stopped taking all pain medications (to eliminate possiblity of rebound headaches), and yet they still brush it off as if I am making a big deal out of nothing. I have a strong history of daily migraines that was a battle to figure out when I was still in high school. They went away and I just assumed they were caused by gluten consumption, pre-diagnosis. But now I am 9 months gluten free, and they have returned with a vengence. Shouldn't my history with this account for something??

The brush off at the doctor's office really has me second guessing myself. How do I know that there is some kind of hidden gluten getting into my system causing this? Could this be caused by vitamin deficiencies? Could an associated disease or disorder be presenting itself? Or, God forbid, could I have other food intolerances or allergies that are just now surfacing?

So I am waiting it out, just like the doctor suggested. I'm waiting to see if things get better or worse, and I am waiting to hear back on my blood tests. If the blood work doesn't show anything, I don't know what I am going to do. Switch doctors? Try elimination diets? Go to a chiropractor?

I'm not sure what to do. I am confused, discouraged, and tired of explaining that "I just don't feel well and I can't help it."

On a brighter note, I made gluten free chocolate cupcakes that I am going to go frost and enjoy.

No one said it would always be easy

Most days I find I enjoy being gluten free and don't find it to be a struggle whatsoever. I have found a great new hobby in cooking and love coming up with new meals to try. But then, there are days, where this diet seems downright cruel. Like when I walked into the kitchen at work yesterday to find complimentary, delicious-smelling donuts. I had forgotten about donuts, believe it or not. But to have that familiar smell of a glazed donut dancing its way into my nostrils, it made me want to sell both of my beloved chihuahuas to a fur coat maker just to be able to sink my teeth into one (or...six). If I close my eyes and imagine, I can still remember the taste and texture of donuts. Today is no easier. I have visions of Subway sandwiches and bagels flying through my head. Then, to make matters worse, I walk into the kitchen at work today, and someone baked brownies and cookies. They look and smell amazing. I watch as my coworker eats one of each and my tummy silently cries. There are days where I can look at a cookie and not even want it. No thanks, I say without hesitation. Those are the days when I am most proud of what I have accomplished thus far with this diet. But then there are the days when I am at a birthday party and everyone is enjoying pizza and I'm eating a salad that's only sub-par. When everyone is eating birthday cake and I have nothing. When I make a gluten free angel food cake that's inedible. These days I feel weakened. I feel like life is giving me one test after another to see how strong my resolve is, how dedicated I am. But even at my weakest, I refuse to give up.